A Proclamation if I were President

Outlaw and ban all full sized trucks and sport utility vehicles. There is nothing more wasteful of energy resources than a GMC Yukon or Ford Excursion rumbling down the road with dubs or mud tires on each one respectively, with its only cargo: the driver. By severing these frivolous items we will display several things which would be respected across the world.

First off, we could relax our ties with the whabi-islamic fundamentalists AKA the Saudi Royal family, who choose to follow, enforce, and teach this flavor of religion. Furthermore if we reduce our dependence on this source for sweet light crude, we could stop the exponential growth of the Royal Family’s bank accounts.

Second, we could shake the global image of Americans being arrogant snots consuming up the largest percentage of the worlds oil for our Hummers. Surely this is one of the reasons which prompts people to carry out attacks on our great nation, and not because they hate the idea that “they hate freedom” as W’s clan would like you to believe.

Third, it would open a new business model for those individuals who decide to provide a service to all the people who claim to need these vehicles for their boats, recreational vehicles, and farm/ranch equipment. These businesses can provide the transportation of these goods at a cost, and reduce the amount of waste which is produced as a by-product of owing one of these vehicles for the specific case of transporting something other than people, and it becoming an everyday driver because of the small fortune they invested in it.

Which moves me into the last portion of this proclamation, these vehicles which provide services such as: trucking companies, service/repair companies, and other miscellaneous items would be able to apply for a license to own and operate one of these vehicles. That license would be issued by the federal government which would need to be renewed yearly at an expense.

I know, what I just provided is considered “completely un-American”, where it is our great right to choose to drive what we want regardless of what it is used for. However, if these cuts were enabled and thus lowered the costs of energy, slowed our consumption rate, and boosted our supplies, we use in other aspects of our life, it would help out the many rather than the few.

Myths and legends die hard in America. We love them for the extra dimension they provide, the illusion of near-infinite possibilities to erase the narrow confines of most men’s reality. Weird heroes and mold-breaking champions exist as living proof to those who need it that the tyranny of “the rat race” is not yet final. --Hunter S. Thompson