My Own Airport Hell

There is a bit on Henry Rollins’ spoken word album entitled Think Tank called Airport hell. He goes through all the items that really piss him off while he is traveling, and describes one incident which happened to him on a flight to Chicago. This was prior to all the heightened security measures, such as the baggage questions, and a simple walk through the metal detector to name a few.

So my personal airport hell goes something like this: the scene is the security check, there is a line which was expected since it was after all holiday travel time. The audacity of this crew though was simply astonishing. The crew consisted of two young children, a “tween” (who thought I would ever mutter that word on the blog?) and the two parents.

There are certain items which are required to have on hand to make it though the security check points – those items being your ticket / boarding pass and your photo ID. Since I detest lines I do my best to keep the people moving fluidly, but this crew ahead of me was as Bill Walton would say “horrrribllllle”.

She, the wife / mother, approaches the security guard, and he requests the standard ticket or boarding pass which she doesn’t have ready. She proceeds to dig for them in her carry on bag and finally finds them. Of course the next question coming is “do you have your ID?”. She digs again while trying her best to frantically explain that two of the passengers don’t have IDs, they are too young, and tells the “tween” to get hers out. The husband / father is just standing there, maybe playing pocket pool for all I know. The security guard goes through all the tickets and gives them the ok to pass through to the metal detector. I hand the security guard my ID and boarding pass, only to have him stop the father.

You see he was watching all of this, but for some reason he didn’t present his ID when the guy asked the first time, repeat the process of digging for the tickets, while the kids are out of control. All the while the guard is sitting there holding my ticket and ID. There was this little hope that he would glance at my name and ticket and let me pass by this crew, but no!

The next obstacle on this alleged gauntlet was the x-ray machine. This crew stopped at the edge of the two tables which were set up so people could grab a bin; throw their stuff in it to send through the x-ray machine. The guards in there are making announcements for people to take off their shoes to send through the x-ray machine. I manage to get a little table space, reach straight across this crew and grab two bins, one for myself and some other poor passenger having to endure this endeavor.

I quickly have my things loaded in the bin; shoes included, and turn only to see that this crew has created a human wall preventing anyone from passing. So I have to wait for the mother to get all the kids shoes off, while the dumb ass husband stands there. I am fed up at this point; I see a gap in the wall and decide to make my break. I manage to get through the x-ray machine in one pass – I retrieve my things and never look back. Something that should have taken about 2-5 minutes tops took about 15 minutes. Little did I realize that they were on the same flight I was getting on – hahaha!!